Friends

BFFL

• Clean bathroom


• Do laundry


• Find camera battery charger/charge battery


• Block out the hateful rays of the sun

Current Mood: hot

In High School I developed a rhyming scheme for poetry that I am fairly sure has never been used before. At the time I thought it might be particularly pleasing, given its mimicry of nature, but in retrospect I realize it would probably be a pain to actually use, and not terribly nice to listen to. But because it's been floating around my head for a while, I thought I might finally put it down on paper (or electronic thingamajigs).

Basically, its a double helix:

A    A/B     B
B'   B/A     A'
A    A/B     B

A would be an ending rhyme, A/B would be an beginning approximate rhyme with A but an ending approximate rhyme with B, and B would be a beginning approximate rhyme with A/B. Then B' would be the reverse rhyme of B (so Shoe=B, Eugene=B'), and same with A.

Make sense? No? Yeah, that is a problem with it. I’ve never actually gotten even a full round down, let alone a full round that sounded good. Too much restriction.

Speaking of restriction, that is largely what Poetry is about, which I wish someone had explained to me when I was younger. I used to hate the structure of poetry, but now that I understand better all the elements in it, I respect it, even if I don’t like it (and I realize the like is largely because I need more exposure to it). I used to love free verse, and while it is a nice exercise in creative imagery, it is very poor poetry.

For a while I played with “Prosetry,” which was intended as a cross between prose and poetry, hence the portmanteau of a name. While I got a few interesting results, ultimately I think the style is inherently inferior to full poetry as it lacked any real structure. It was really more like purple-prose, but with rhymes instead of flower-full language that doesn’t belong.

Which leaves me, I suppose, as an adult attempting to learn something that really should have been taught all throughout school.

Repent, oh Teacher of Calculus!

And you, English Instructor!

Why did you keep verse from us?

Why did you not tell us what words were for?

I know no pacing, so through meter I rush.

I know no rhymes, so my verse’s a bore.

When I hear well spoke words I’m at a hush,

For to me, my speech knows not how to soar.

I don't want to replace my LJ's old (now largely deleted) tone of self-assured superiority with one of self-depreciation, but at the same time I've attempted to increase my honesty over the years and the truth does not always (okay, it rarely) make me look good.

When I started dating my now-wife I did something rather understandable but in doing so I also did something rather rude. I started spending less and less time online, which is perfectly understandable and probably healthy. But since I had online friends, that meant I was spending less time with them. I was also spending less time with non-online friends, but that was largely unavoidable due to a long distance relationship and time-zone conflicts.

Anywho, the point being, I neglected friends. One I kept in vague contact with, though we had a falling out back in the winter of 2006/7. Another I don't quite remember... I suspect I just stopped talking with her cold turkey (and if I didn't, then it might have been better if I had).

I once said (or maybe I just quoted and didn't attribute it appropriately) that if a friend is worth having for a day, they're worth having for a lifetime. That I didn't work to keep those friends does not and should not reflect on their worth, but rather indicate my own... rudeness, selfishness, etc all seem too weak of words for what I have in mind, but might help give you an idea of what I mean.

I suppose there is a good (which is to say, good from an objective, harsh-almost-mean, perspective) side to it; from my observations of others and of myself, it is really hard for guys to have female friends that are just friends. Perhaps this isn't the case with socially well adjusted individuals, but certainly in the "geek culture" that I am most familiar with it seems like guys are always on the prowl for potential dates/mates. It is one of the reasons it can be hard for women to break into geek culture; they get scared off by all the creepy guys who aren't treating them like one of the guys (but rather ineptly making passes at them). Despite some notable differences, I'm like most guys and thus probably subject to such difficulties.
 
Hmm... that actually implies potentially interesting research possibilities. Guys may, on some subconcious level, usually see female friends as potential mate. Thus, withdrawing from friends (particularly female friends, if this is a culture-wide behavior) may be an evolutionary trait. There is some indication that humans have evolved so that women desire devoted mates in order to pool resources for the rearing of young (one of the reasons humans have very small "litters" of one or two children at a time). Thus, we might have also evolved the behavior so that a guy will ditch friends in order to appear more devoted, and thus more likely to gain a mate.

Such a study could probably look at the success of relationships vs. a guy's change in behavior towards his friends. I wonder if women display similar levels of behavior? I've seen that to a degree, but don't know enough to determine if such changes are significant.

Okay, that was a bit of a side-track, sorry. I tend to get interested by such questions; I'm an idea-man, I've gotten used to it by now.

Anywho, original point being, I suppose withdrawing from female friends, both online and in real life, might have been an evolutionarily proper step in order to facilitate bonding with the individual I was dating. Keeps a guy from unintentionally holding back in order to keep other options open, or I suppose it might have been closing other options when they were unneeded.

Which is a really harsh and mean way to put things. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm just going where my thoughts are taking me.

Hmm... I wonder if any of that applies to married men. Probably, since marriage is a social not biological construct. That probably requires that a degree of intentional distance be kept between a married man and any female friends who aren't his wife. In a perfect world that wouldn't be necessary, but guys tend to not be perfect.

Okay, where was I? Oh yes, friends, me, jerk, got it.

The one friend I kept in contact with eventually came into the area. Her BF was driving in this direction and she tagged along, though I tried to discourage her, specifically to see me. It was winter, my first winter here. She came in, was about an hour out, and the roads were icy. I've never driven on icy roads before and was scared of the prospect. I was also scared of the prospect of meeting her, and of having my wife and her meet. Basic fight or flight response: flight. All the fear kept me away. She never talked to me after that; probably pissed she'd traveled all that way for nothing. Which is one of the reasons I had tried to talk her out of it in the first place (though if I was smart I'd have been able to guess my own behavior and I could have given a far more compelling reason for not coming). Being afraid doesn't excuse being jerkish, so I don't really fault her.

The other friend I actually feel a bit worse about. In about early Summer of 2007 I contacted her since it had been quite some time since we had talked. After a few weeks she responded and mentioned she was in a near-by town. I freaked out a bit at the prospect of her being so close and had no idea how to respond. With every passing day it also felt more awkward to have not replied, and time has a way of making decisions for us.

Hmm... I wonder if I have an irrational fear of social situations. Anywho.

I suspect there is a good way to address similar issues in the future; don't keep "online" life different from regular life.

Part of the fear came from the fear of worlds colliding. How would my wife react to online friends? Indeed, online friends are geeky things to have; how would my wife react to finding out I'm a geek (she knows, and has known since we started dating, but the fear of revealing that is well ingrained in my from childhood)?

Since 2007 I've developed other online friends. Oddly, all male (whereas before the majority of online friends were female). It's not like I am trying to keep them a secret from the rest of my life, but I'm not making an effort to integrate the two either, and I should. Thus, if I ever get the chance to meet a friend (the "online" title is rather demeaning, almost as if they aren't real friends and thus need to be qualified), it shouldn't be as terrifying.

Now is a perfect time to start being a better person.

Current Mood: guilty

Current Music: Ipod

Been trying to get Maverick Hunter X for Craig for several weeks now. Attempted several trades for it and they all got canceled. I get a trade from a guy for it. He should have sent it on the 29th of last month, but he didn't even send me a note saying anything about it until last week, saying it would be late. He just sent another note today saying he misplaced it and I could request something from his have list. His have list is full of crap. I told him I don't want anything on that list and am waiting until I can report it missing.

Gah. Do not accept trades for items you can't find. I did it, but I was going to make good on it by buying a new copy (as much as it ticked me off), and Craig ended up helping me out by trading HIS copy instead. I doubt this guy's going to go out and buy a new game.

Well, Craig's not going to be amused. BIG OL' negative on this guy.

Current Mood: annoyed